Opinion | Biden and Trump golf ‘handicap’ debate spat was huge divide

It started when CNN host Dana Bash brought up their ages, which are slightly older than igneous rock. If elected, they would both be the oldest presidents in history. People are concerned. How much will it cost to convert the White House to assisted living?

While they were bragging about how great they were in shape, the subject of golf “handicaps” came up. In golf, every avid player has a handicap, and the lower the number the better. If you’re a 10, that’s pretty good and means your average score will be about 10 strokes over par. If you’re a 30, that’s pretty bad and means you should probably take up pickleball.

Biden: “I’ve reduced my disability, which I had when I was vice president, to a 6.”

I slapped my forehead. Biden had been shoved to the podium like he was in shackles, so no one on earth believed he was a 6. Trump yelled, “That’s the biggest lie, that he’s a 6 handicap, of all!” Biden immediately changed it to “8,” which only made matters worse. It was as if someone said, “Okay, wait. Now I remember. I didn’t knock out Muhammad Ali. I knocked out Joe Frazier.”

And yet… if you go to the US Golf Association’s online handicap website, Biden’s handicap at Fieldstone Golf Club in Delaware is 6.7.

Pah. The site’s stats are only as current and accurate as the scores the player puts into them, and Biden hasn’t put in a new score in six years. Watching him today, you wonder if he can break 100. For nine.

Besides, why try to outdo a llama? Go ahead, brag about your gym workouts or your bike rides; Trump has already monopolized the market with outrageous golf lies. He chronically tells passersby that he has a 2.5 handicap, which is a whopper with cheese. Okay, the USGA handicap website lists him as a 2.5, but did I mention that they trust the golfer to be honest? Trump is no more a 2.5 handicap than Mitch McConnell is a breakdancer.

I’ve played golf with Trump. He’s good off the tee, but he shanks shots, chunks chips and purloins putts. He’s actually about a 10 or 12 handicap, and that’s only with the help of his caddies, who throw balls out of bunkers and kick them out of the mess.

So, to recap, if Biden is a 6 handicap, elephants can Hula Hoop. And if Trump is a 2.5, they can do it on top of flagpoles.

Trump: “I’m in very good health. I just won two club championships, not even senior, two regular club championships.”

Okay, this sentence contains so many lies that I need an abacus.

At almost every country club there is an annual “club championship” for members. Usually the best golfers of all ages play for two days to see who is the best. All putts must be sunk, all rules must be followed. Trump rarely does either. Yet somehow he “just won” two club championships?

I’ve been playing golf for half a century. I’ve never, not once, seen anyone over 55 win a club championship, let alone a 78-year-old with the shape of the Liberty Bell. Members I know at Trump’s clubs tell me I still haven’t.

Besides, I already know that Trump doesn’t actually “win” club championships or even senior championships. He hijacks them, steals them, and makes them up. He once told me, before his political days, that when he buys a new golf course (he has about 16 of them), he’ll play the first “club championship” by himself. Voila! He’s the champion. He’s also “won” a championship in New Jersey when he was in Philadelphia, “won” a championship he never played in, and “won” at one of his clubs in Florida, apparently while he was abroad hanging out with Kim Jong Un.

Anyway, in the debate, after the nonsense about winning two club championships, Trump threw out a golf gaffe that I hadn’t heard before.

Trump: “To do that, you have to be pretty smart.”

No, you don’t. I’ve met some of the best golfers in the world, and some of those guys are so dumb that light bends around them.

What Biden should have said at this point was, ‘Call us if you’ve won one on a job you want do not own, Donald.” Because Trump never did that.

The entire debate went something like this: Trump simply lied and held his chin wide open for a knockout punch, while Biden instead mumbled about Scranton.

Yeah, it was bad for Biden, but I don’t care. I still take the old guy over the con man. Debates are like golf. Sometimes you screw up. I’m willing to give Biden a mulligan. God knows Trump would take one.