Combating loneliness in the workplace

Twice a month, executives at dating app company Hinge gather for a team meeting. But instead of diving into discussions about stats or revenue, they just start talking.

In the first 30 minutes of the two-hour meeting, these colleagues share their hopes and fears: what they’re worried about, what they’re grateful for, what they’re feeling. Even at a company focused on connecting people, it takes work to build real connections in the workplace, Hinge CEO Justin McLeod told an audience at the South by Southwest conference earlier this year. He co-hosted the event with Ann Shoket, whose initiative to combat loneliness in the workplace is called “10 Minutes to Togetherness.”

As America grapples with what Surgeon General Vivek Murthy described last year as a loneliness epidemic, employers and employees across the country are trying to address what for many people means a lack of real friendships at work.

The problem of loneliness has been simmering for decades; Robert D. Putnam documented it in his groundbreaking book “Bowling Alone” nearly a quarter century ago. Working from home has only made the problem worse, for extroverts and introverts alike, says leadership expert Michael Bungay Stanier, author of “How to Work with (Almost) Anyone.”

“People want to be seen and heard,” says Bungay Stanier, but during video calls, the group gets straight to the point instead of the natural, informal interactions of a real room. It reduces people to “little heads in squares.”

It’s not easy to talk about this lack of camaraderie at work “because it feels like an embarrassing admission,” says Bungay Stanier. But his clients are starting to raise the subject.

As uncomfortable as it may be, Laurie Santos, professor of psychology and founder of the renowned course “The Science of Well-Being” at Yale University, says these are conversations worth having.

In her own presentation at South by Southwest earlier this year, Santos cited research showing that workplace friendships and a sense of belonging are essential to employee happiness – and company success.

We assume that friendships at work are “nice to have, not something you absolutely need,” she said.

But “maybe one of the reasons we’re all so disengaged in our work, maybe one of the reasons why ‘quitting quietly’ seems so appealing, is that we’re not actively investing in what’s most important to our happiness at work, which is our connections with other people,” Santos says.

Some large companies were already paying more attention to the health of their employees long before the pandemic. Often, the focus was on physical aspects: adding a gym to the office building, for example, or serving healthier food in the cafeteria.

Today, “more employers are not just checking boxes, but actually looking at ways to truly improve people’s health and well-being,” says Suzanne Heidelberger, who has led teams that managed real estate issues for global companies such as American Express and Fidelity Investments. She focuses on bringing a hospitality mindset to corporate spaces.

For example, employers can:

— Reimagine physical spaces with relationships in mind, she says. Some companies are adding stairs, both to help people take more steps and to encourage the “casual collisions” that can lead to good relationships. Some are trying to turn green roofs — designed to be environmentally friendly — into gathering places.

— Create groups and events to help employees find friends who share similar interests. “It can even be something crazy, like an ice cream social for dog lovers, where we teach you how to make healthy ice cream for your dog,” Heidelberger says.

— Offer online gatherings, too. During the pandemic, American Express offered online cooking classes that helped employees connect and connect with colleagues.

Employees are also looking for answers themselves, says executive coach Daniel Boscaljon, founder of the Healthy Relationship Academy, which helps organizations create better workplaces.

That’s not always easy: while people want relationships, many lack good interpersonal skills, he says.

“When you meet someone with good relationship skills, it’s often like magic,” Boscaljon says. “People open up, they start talking, they feel comfortable. Then they sometimes have a kind of ‘vulnerability hangover,’ where they think, ‘I was too open there. What just happened?’ … People are so uncomfortable with it.”

One key, he says, is to work on your own well-being. “You can’t have a work personality and a home personality,” he says. “Who you are as a whole person is everywhere you go.”

Another strategy, says Bungay Stanier, is to discuss with colleagues how you can best work together before starting a project.

“We all have our little habits and preferences,” he says. “And we assume that what’s normal for us is normal for everyone else.”

Discussing issues beforehand prevents little cracks from developing in the relationship that prevent people from becoming friends, says Bungay Stanier.

Those inevitable cracks are worth discussing, too. “The relationships that flourish are the ones that are repaired,” he says.

Above all, remember how important everyday greetings at work are, even if they make you feel a little awkward.

A simple greeting, says Bungay Stanier, can be the beginning of the end of loneliness.